Cringeworthy

A long, long time ago I created a website. That website was ugly. UG. LY. Of course, at the time I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean when you hovered your cursor over a button thingy it turned red! Wowee! Since then I've redesigned the website and it is much more presentable now, though it's currently not being used. (That should change soon though. Wayne and I are going to bring it back to life.) Anyway, today I googled the website's name and came across a thread titled "What's the worst site you've seen?" and the very first site? The site to inspire this post? The site I designed a long, long time ago, of course! I was simultaneously ashamed yet amused. Obviously I agree it was a terrible site, but I know (I KNOW) there were and are worse ones out there. So, mostly I just think it's pretty damn funny. Like when you bring out your old high school yearbook and you're like, "Satellite bangs! What was I thinking?" Then you show all your friends, family and coworkers that picture even though you know they'll laugh at you.

Monthly Booklist

I was pretty slack in April. I only finished two books. I started a some others, but somehow haven't found the time to finish anything. Fretting over schoolwork rather than actually doing it while planning a cross-country move tends to take up a lot of time.

Jumper by Steven Gould: - I read Reflex first, which is the book that comes after this one. Then I watched the movie version of Jumper, then I read this book. You'd have to wake up pretty early to beat me when it comes to doing things ass-backward. But back to the book. Aside from the slightly implausible hijacking business, I really enjoyed it. I recommend that you do NOT compare this book to the movie, as they are pretty much nothing alike. The only thing they have in common is the main character's name is David and he can teleport. It seems like the producers thumbed through the book and caught certain keywords (as I've mentioned) and thought, "Hey! Teleportation. We can do something with that." Then they proceded to write their own story and say it was based on the book. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the movie... it just had nothing to do with the book. Here's a little fun fact: The cover of the newer paperback version has scenes from the movie on it that don't even happen in the book. At all. Griffin? Never heard of him.

Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment by James Patterson: - Max (aka Maximum Ride - great name!) is the leader of a flock of adolescent winged mutant kids on the run from their creators - the evil "whitecoats" - and Erasers (nasty mutant wolf-men whose sole purpose is to kill). They move quickly from one disaster to the next while searching for the truth about their genetically-modified origins, their destiny and the parents they've never known. The action-packed, cliffhanger chapters are mostly pretty short and led me halfway through the book before I even realized it. Great read. Technically this is a "young adult" book, but I'd never let that stop me from reading something that sounds interesting.

These books(and others) can be found in my Amazon.com store conveniently located right here.

Red light, green light

Last night as I was sitting at a red light, I saw a guy on a bike get hit by a car. It was his fault. He tried across a busy street - through oncoming traffic - and ended up with a bent-up back wheel. He was fine, but had to carry his bike off the road. A few minutes later I was waiting at another red light and I heard tires squeal again. I looked over just in time to see a line of four cars ram each other end to end. Then the light turned green and, when I crossed the street, I saw a fifth car further in front that had pulled up onto the center median. The driver was walking down the median toward the pile-up (though technically I don't think it was really a "pile-up" as much as an orgy of bad driving since there appeared to be only minor damage) and I'm not sure if he was involved in the accident or just pulled over to go back and help. Maybe he went back to point and laugh at the other bad drivers. At that point I wouldn't have been surprised. I was just glad to make it to the grocery store and back home without getting run over.

Being nice doesn't pay

This morning on my way to work I stopped at the bagel place. Standing in line, I noticed a twenty dollar bill in one of the muffin bins. Score! I furtively snatched picked it up and (seriously) considered using it to pay for my breakfast, but my goody-goody side won and I decided to turn it in. I really doubt anyone will claim it, but I figured I could use some Karma points. I handed it to the lady at the counter and told her where I found it. She tucked it under the edge of the cash register and said, "Oh yes, someone lost this." (Um, yeah that's why I turned it in.) She then proceded to overcharge me for my bagel. F U Karma!

Infatuated

I've been obsessively watching Weeds lately on Netflix instant download. So funny. Even Wayne likes it and he hardly likes anything on TV that isn't animated or involving Jon Stewart. I've thoroughly enjoyed watching seasons one and two with him so far. You should check it out. If you don't have Netflix, get it now!

Taste the bitter

I have no fucking patience for stupidity today. First, I had to turn off the radio before the dumbass commercials forced me to drive off a bridge or something.

Then I took a drink of my coffee only to find that the wrong caramel flavoring had been used. The new girl used the one that tastes like vomity maple syrup instead of the one that tastes like CARAMEL. The other employees know that you don't use the maple syrup one, but apparently the new girl wasn't adequately trained in this. I hate making a fuss over it, but I would have if I'd have tasted it before I left the store, the parking lot or the town. My ire about this situation isn't directed at the new girl necessarily, but the slack quality of coffee I've gotten there the last few times. It's coffee, dammit. How can you keep fucking it up so badly, Dunkin' Donuts??

And finally, Wayne called the laundry place to find out how much they charge per pound (because we have a ton of laundry and we have better things to do than sit at a laundromat for five hours if we can avoid it). The conversation went a little something like this:

Wayne: How much is it per pound?
Idiot: It goes by weight.
Wayne: What if it weighed one pound?
Idiot: I would have to weigh it.
Wayne: Um, okay. Thanks.

Upon hearing (or reading, as it were) a transcript of this conversation I immediately 1) choked back a fiery rage and 2) asked if she was aware that a pound was actually a unit used to measure the weight of an object. He didn't ask her, but I'm willing to bet she had no idea.

Angry Guy

The other night I was sitting there doing my homework (okay! I was watching TV) and my phone rang. I ignored it, as I usually do, because I didn't recognize the ringtone. And if I don't know your ringtone, you can just leave a message, buddy. As I said, I ignored it. Five minutes later it rang again. Once more, ignored. Another five minutes passed and it rang again. Weird, huh? I figured someone must have really wanted to get in touch with me, so I checked the number. It wasn't one I recognized. I ignored the call, but checked my voicemail right away. It went a little something like this...

9:24 P.M.
Hi, Heather. How are you? My name is Chris and I'm calling for Daniel. I don't know if he's your girlfriend (no, that's not a typo) or whatever, but Kimberly is my wife and I wanted to tell him to stop contacting her. They used to be friends but they're not now, so he really needs to stop contacting her. If he wants to get confrontational about this, he can call me. Look... I don't want this to come to fisticuffs, but if he has a problem he can come to me about it. I don't mind handing him his ass. So, Daniel, if you're listening... LEAVE KIM THE FUCK ALONE.

9:30 P.M.
Hey Heather. Sorry. Daniel, you think you're real fuckin' funny don't you? You like to play your little games. I know what you did to Kim. She has witnesses. (Insert random profanity about the quantity of Daniel's pubic hair, questioning of Daniel's sexual orientation, something about sending Daniel back to prison (though I'm not sure how kicking Daniel's ass will send him to prison), etc.) Call me back. Come over. You think you're a big boy? I'll show you a big boy. You ain't nothin.
---
I love how he was all polite, even inquring about my health before laying into Daniel (whoever that is). Then the next time he apologizes before his colorful little rant. Ahhh... I get the best wrong number messages!

Annoyance

I don't know what the deal is this week. Stress, maybe. My body (such as it is) has been freaking out and that annoys me tremendously. Sunday night after I got out of the shower I was putting on a pair of pants, as I have time after time after time, but this time in particular when I lifted one leg and bent over to insert foot, pull up pants... my entire lower back clenched into one huge spasm of pain. I just stood in the bathroom panting and trying to hold my shit together, hoping it would pass, for about ten minutes. It didn't. Eventually I slowly pulled my pants on, took some of my leftover pain medication from my shoulder surgery, and went to prop myself up with about six pillows in the comfy chair. I couldn't even explain how bad it hurt without my voice getting all wavery. But anyway, ouch. It still hurts today, but nowhere near as bad. When I stand up after sitting for awhile I hobble around, tilting a little to the right while hunching slightly, until the kinks work out enough for me to walk properly.

The other thing that is pissing me off is my face. Haha. Um, yeah. I think its actually my eyeballs that the real troublemakers. I am way overdue for a new pair of glasses and the nerves around my eyes keep jumping. Yesterday it was one near tear duct of my left eye. Today it's just under my right eyebrow. And motherfuck is it annoying. I feel like my whole face is spasming. I know it's not - I've looked in the mirror when it happens and you can't even see it - but, sweet baby jesus is it infuriating.

And finally the last thing on my list of Junk That Is Really Pissing Me Off Today, is my cubemate's phone or possibly her laptop. She's not here, but her junk is. And SOMETHING, I don't know what it is, keeps making this PWOP-ing sound every five minutes.

In somewhat related news, I am T minus eight weeks and two days until unemployment. I've reluctantly posted my resume on HotJobs and CareerBuilder, but I'm worried the only thing I'll get in return is spam. I've applied to some jobs elsewhere, but haven't heard anything yet. It has only been a little over a week since I received The News, but I feel the end drawing near and it is worrisome. (Who talks like that? I just pictured myself writing that last sentence out with a quill pen in flourishing script by candle light while wearing a Victorian dress.) I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing in three months. Scary. I'm still positive at this point, though. I am, possibly naively, thinking this is an opportunity for us to both find jobs we are happy with. I figure I have at least until the end of May before I really start freaking out. At that point, we'll be relying on school money and carefully tucked away savings (haha! that makes me giggle just typing it).

Now I'm gonna go get some lunch because it's 11:59 and that damn PWOP-ing is making me crazy.